I have a picture on my phone. It is a side by side that I
look at on occasion to remind me that although I am not where I want to be and
am struggling with my journey to fitness, I have come so far. I cant always see
it in the mirror but seeing this picture helps me a bit. Now despite progress
pictures occasionally being posted on media outlets, this one would never be
shared. Maybe a quick show to someone but never where anyone would have access
to it without my discretion and where I could not limit that viewing. I love
the progress I see but I hate seeing how bad I let things get. This picture meant
to be a motivator was a two-edge sword and also carried with it, 300 pounds of
shame. How could one picture be so encouraging yet so painful? It’s a long
story filled with the ups and downs of life but became so much more.
A month or two after making the photo, my trainer at Camp
Gladiator texted me. The news was going to be doing a piece about Camp
Gladiator; she wanted to know if I would be interviewed as a “Camp Gladiator
success story” and share my before and after picture. Of course I freaked out
and said an emphatic NO! I was on the schedule to work that day, 4 am was way
too early to get up and I might be seen. I had very valid reasons for my no but
as I thought about it I thought about the first time I visited Camp Gladiator
and any number of other fitness outlets in the past. I never continued or even
started some things because I didn’t look like the other people and there was
no way I could do the things they were doing. I was stuck in this fat body
where there were no workout clothes to wear and nowhere to turn to get started.
It was a scary and hopeless place, so I just continued to lose weight in unhealthy
manners followed by getting bigger and bigger when I decided what I was doing
was not okay. And with that I decided to say yes. I decided that if even one
person saw it and decided they could do it too, it would be worth all of the
echoes in my head of the hateful things that would be said by others. I knew
the struggle all too well and wanted others to know that I had been there and
while I haven’t “made it,” I am moving in the right direction.
So I got brave, and woke up early and worked out, all while
my heart was pounding with the anxiety of what I would be doing. I was called
up to the camera, then, because of technical difficulties, I never went one. I
never shared my story. I was a little disappointed to be honest but I realized
that it didn’t mean I couldn’t share my story anyway.
So here it is . . .
I am a big girl. I come from two big parents and wont ever
be small. In the deepest grips of an eating disorder I still wasn’t small but
on the larger end of average. But I was sick and unhealthy. I knew it was wrong
but the road to recovery was a rocky one and I found myself gaining a
significant amount of weight in the process. But I kept getting back up which
of course means falling. Sometimes I little trip on a shoe lace others jumping
off of the side of a mountain.
Was camp Gladiator the trick to finally moving forward? No!
I love Camp Gladiator and I love my trainer. A failed attempt years before
though, shows that other factors had to change. The different trainer helped
but I had to be different too. I had to think things could be different. I had
to know I could do it and was worth it. I had to be okay with being seen. But
Camp Gladiator, although an amazing piece of the puzzle, is just that. A piece
of the puzzle. I credit this process to many puzzle pieces coming together.
Over the next weeks and months I will share the pieces of this puzzle that I have put together to this point and will continue to seek out the remaining pieces. This life is a process and I will do my best to enjoy it and do my best at it.
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