FITspiration

For a good portion of my life I have been told more often what I couldn’t do and would never amount to than what I could do. Fortunately I am stubborn and rebellious but I have been reminded of that many times on my journey to fitness but most recently this has been especially poignant. Except this has been a reminder that those things are not true. That, for the most part, we can do anything we put our mind to.

As I have transitioned to this travel nurse business I chose San Antonio, Texas as my first location, in part because I knew they had Camp Gladiator which has been a huge fitness platform for me. Its hard to transition to new trainers but at least I knew there was something. Yet when I got here my attendance was sporadic at best. I had fallen off of the fitness wagon before leaving Waco and it didn’t seem like I would be getting back on.

So when I needed a little FITspiration I got it . . . she isn’t 20 with beautifully designed muscles and a tiny waist though . . . my FITspiration comes in the package of a lady with a little bit different physical look but the heart of a lion . . .

One day I showed up to camp (late), with a back injury that limited what I could do and set up next to Mrs. Diana. Now one of the reasons I have liked and stuck with Camp Gladiator is that while it can be intense, it really is suitable for all fitness levels. After all, I started Camp Gladiator almost 70 pounds heavier than I am now. Sadly, I have put weight back on since then and feel the frustration of that. But here I am, at 32, which is old but far from disabled with a body that is more than capable to push itself and I just want to complain and give up.

But not Mrs. Diana. She comes out to camp, at some practice soccer fields with her rolling walker to do Camp Gladiator. As we paired up as injured partners, she mentioned she was well old enough to be my mother. We discuss the struggles of weight and the victories of how far we have come and want to go. She leaves her walker at the starting line to start her version of the lap as I start out slowly on mine. She does push ups and sit ups and some version of what everyone else is doing while using her rolling walker. Our trainer comes over to guide her in that. Now if anyone has a reason to say “I cant do it” maybe it would be Mrs Diana. You wouldn’t see her on the street or at her job and maybe think “GLADIATOR” but she is and maybe even more so than the rest of us.

From that day, I look for her as I more consistently show up to camp. I excitedly tell the friend I bring with me to try it out that she is there when we pull up and how cool she is. And that if she can do this, NO ONE has the excuse to say they cant.

She also reminds me that its okay to modify which is no small task for me. But my body has been through a lot and is heavy and has a lot of wear and tear. And I will push to my hardest that day. Some days that will be getting out there and barely moving, others a full on sprint. But in those two extremes and everywhere between, I can be a gladiator and continue to take steps towards health and strength and fitness.

I was the one that was invited to Camp Gladiator a year and a half ago and said, “there is no way.” But I gave it a chance and I did my 100% with a trainer who encouraged me and a fitness program that truly works for all ages and fitness levels. I am not where I want to be but I am also nowhere near where I used to be. I cant sing praises for Camp Gladiator and the amazing trainers enough. But sometimes you need to partner up with your own Mrs. Diana to get the perspective you need to get to that next level.

Pizza with Shells and Cheese please!

Health journey truth. I had a little situation that was a little sharp to my heart today. In response to that I decided I wanted a pizza and shells and cheese. Neither healthy individually but wows a the two together. But I knew that they would bring comfort. I also knew that it would be a brief comfort with lasting consequences. So I went home and threw together this little concoction of chicken, steamed veggies and brown rice. Still tastes good and fills my nutritional needs which is the purpose of daily food intake- not comfort or filling loneliness or anything else we might use food for. If I had messed up it wouldn't have been the end of the world, it happens. But today this small plate represents a big victory. #fatkidproblems #doitanyway 

Sweating . . .

This morning I caught my amazing trainer to take a picture with me. Now those who know me, know that I don’t do pictures. I especially don’t do selfies and I especially, like any girl, avoid sweaty nasty pictures. But something happened this morning that hasn’t in what feels like a lifetime. I got sweaty. The sign of a good workout right!?!

In this journey of health that I have been taking over the last two years, I have had one set back after another. Most recently I was in a boot with very limited activity for almost 9 weeks. A displaced fracture at the joint of the big toe. Eight weeks and 4 days to be exact. In those 9 weeks I went from being only 7 pounds from my end of year goal weight to weighing what I did at the beginning of the year. I reassured myself that I still maintained the previous years weight loss but it was hard. I felt different. I missed out on my second half marathon of the year, I felt like workouts were fairly useless. But I still worked out. And this is where the trainer comes in. I wanted to quit and give up. Im kind of an all or nothing kind of girl so sitting on the sidelines hurt. Not being able to run was depressing. Never imagines just a few years ago that I would say that! But my trainer at Camp Gladiator challenged me and pushed me and did not make me feel like a loser for not being able to do much. She did extra work to come up with workouts that I could do, she cheered me on and told me she was proud of me. All things that are not taken lightly and helped me to stay at least somewhat active. I cannot thank her enough.

So yesterday was Day 1 out of the boot. Still with significant restrictions but I could do a few more things than the cumbersome boot allowed. I went to work out at dark-thirty and lasted all of five minutes when the pain in my foot became intolerable and with head down I went back home. I was discouraged but as I woke up the next morning I decided to try again. I walk a fine line of pushing myself but staying safe. I could still rip that piece of bone out of place again since it is connected to a ligament but I knew that Jenny would help me with this. So again, I left my house ant dark-thirty and drove out to Camp Gladiator. I taped up my foot this time and had a little more success. There are still things I cant do but I could move. I did a little jogging but per doctors orders did not sprint (which is my favorite!). I noticed quickly that I was sweating. It felt good. I felt like I was getting a decent workout for the first time in almost 9 weeks. Jenny was encouraging and I am slowly working my way back to the road I want to be on. I know that journey back will be easier because of the work Jenny did to keep me as active as my foot would allow.

So I decided I needed a picture to document this day. Of course the picture is far from perfect . . . its still dark outside, I look gross and sweaty and you can see the weight that I have put back on. But today, with my amazing trainer by my side I took a huge step back in the right direction. I know she will be there and that the face you see in that picture will change. And that started today with slow jogging, lots of modifications and a sweaty face!

Rock N Roll San Antonio

Today is the day . . .

The day that the gun will go off and thousands of people will run the streets of San Antonio for 13.1 miles. My name is on that list. A friend from Dallas and my running partners too. But I wont be there. Its hard but I sit here with a boot on my foot, barely able to walk. Stupid broken foot! I will grieve this but cheer on my partners as they kick butt and take name. I have had 8 weeks of a set back but next year San Antonio, I will see you!

CONFESSION

According to the countdown I have 63 days until my second half marathon. I am doing this one to "fix" the mistakes that I made with the first one. From training to Race day. And yet somehow I am managing to fail miserably. While I haven't posted every run that I have done I have missed more runs than I have made. I have found my bed much more appealing than lacing up my sneakers. I have found the weight of family dynamics, a dying and now dead uncle, PTSD and depression to be too much. Add to that two bad knees that have been less and less stable with no helpful intervention, allergies that have turned into wicked cases of sinus infections and bronchitis and a new shift at work that was supposed to be helpful but makes early morning wake up calls even more difficult. Frankly if I hadn't already paid for the run I would just back out altogether. But i have paid and I can't quit but where does that leave me now?

Now when I say i haven't been training like I should I don't just mean the runs. The weight of life has me coping poorly with diet and cross training as well. I feel like a failure and the longer it takes me to get back the harder it is. So my answer this past week was to go back to eating disorder behaviors to get my weight in a little better place before trying to start up again. I feel the weight. I feel the weakness. I don't like either and I absolutely hate myself for letting this happen. How could I? I have worked so hard and come so far. Maybe its true, maybe I'll always be the fat kid and nothing I do it going to change that. But i don't want that to be true.

There is always tomorrow. And there have been plenty of tomorrows since i saw myself slipping down this hill. But i couldn't seem to get a grasp on it before the rope was gone. I wasn't just at the end of it, it completely slipped through my hands. And blog or not, I don't have the answer. I know that letting people in takes away the power and gives accountability. With fitness and with life. SO here is my confession. With no answers and very little hope but this is a huge part of this journey to 13.1 miles, like it or not.

Tan lines and long days