According to the countdown I have 63 days until my second half marathon. I am doing this one to "fix" the mistakes that I made with the first one. From training to Race day. And yet somehow I am managing to fail miserably. While I haven't posted every run that I have done I have missed more runs than I have made. I have found my bed much more appealing than lacing up my sneakers. I have found the weight of family dynamics, a dying and now dead uncle, PTSD and depression to be too much. Add to that two bad knees that have been less and less stable with no helpful intervention, allergies that have turned into wicked cases of sinus infections and bronchitis and a new shift at work that was supposed to be helpful but makes early morning wake up calls even more difficult. Frankly if I hadn't already paid for the run I would just back out altogether. But i have paid and I can't quit but where does that leave me now?
Now when I say i haven't been training like I should I don't just mean the runs. The weight of life has me coping poorly with diet and cross training as well. I feel like a failure and the longer it takes me to get back the harder it is. So my answer this past week was to go back to eating disorder behaviors to get my weight in a little better place before trying to start up again. I feel the weight. I feel the weakness. I don't like either and I absolutely hate myself for letting this happen. How could I? I have worked so hard and come so far. Maybe its true, maybe I'll always be the fat kid and nothing I do it going to change that. But i don't want that to be true.
There is always tomorrow. And there have been plenty of tomorrows since i saw myself slipping down this hill. But i couldn't seem to get a grasp on it before the rope was gone. I wasn't just at the end of it, it completely slipped through my hands. And blog or not, I don't have the answer. I know that letting people in takes away the power and gives accountability. With fitness and with life. SO here is my confession. With no answers and very little hope but this is a huge part of this journey to 13.1 miles, like it or not.
