Sweating . . .

This morning I caught my amazing trainer to take a picture with me. Now those who know me, know that I don’t do pictures. I especially don’t do selfies and I especially, like any girl, avoid sweaty nasty pictures. But something happened this morning that hasn’t in what feels like a lifetime. I got sweaty. The sign of a good workout right!?!

In this journey of health that I have been taking over the last two years, I have had one set back after another. Most recently I was in a boot with very limited activity for almost 9 weeks. A displaced fracture at the joint of the big toe. Eight weeks and 4 days to be exact. In those 9 weeks I went from being only 7 pounds from my end of year goal weight to weighing what I did at the beginning of the year. I reassured myself that I still maintained the previous years weight loss but it was hard. I felt different. I missed out on my second half marathon of the year, I felt like workouts were fairly useless. But I still worked out. And this is where the trainer comes in. I wanted to quit and give up. Im kind of an all or nothing kind of girl so sitting on the sidelines hurt. Not being able to run was depressing. Never imagines just a few years ago that I would say that! But my trainer at Camp Gladiator challenged me and pushed me and did not make me feel like a loser for not being able to do much. She did extra work to come up with workouts that I could do, she cheered me on and told me she was proud of me. All things that are not taken lightly and helped me to stay at least somewhat active. I cannot thank her enough.

So yesterday was Day 1 out of the boot. Still with significant restrictions but I could do a few more things than the cumbersome boot allowed. I went to work out at dark-thirty and lasted all of five minutes when the pain in my foot became intolerable and with head down I went back home. I was discouraged but as I woke up the next morning I decided to try again. I walk a fine line of pushing myself but staying safe. I could still rip that piece of bone out of place again since it is connected to a ligament but I knew that Jenny would help me with this. So again, I left my house ant dark-thirty and drove out to Camp Gladiator. I taped up my foot this time and had a little more success. There are still things I cant do but I could move. I did a little jogging but per doctors orders did not sprint (which is my favorite!). I noticed quickly that I was sweating. It felt good. I felt like I was getting a decent workout for the first time in almost 9 weeks. Jenny was encouraging and I am slowly working my way back to the road I want to be on. I know that journey back will be easier because of the work Jenny did to keep me as active as my foot would allow.

So I decided I needed a picture to document this day. Of course the picture is far from perfect . . . its still dark outside, I look gross and sweaty and you can see the weight that I have put back on. But today, with my amazing trainer by my side I took a huge step back in the right direction. I know she will be there and that the face you see in that picture will change. And that started today with slow jogging, lots of modifications and a sweaty face!

Rock N Roll San Antonio

Today is the day . . .

The day that the gun will go off and thousands of people will run the streets of San Antonio for 13.1 miles. My name is on that list. A friend from Dallas and my running partners too. But I wont be there. Its hard but I sit here with a boot on my foot, barely able to walk. Stupid broken foot! I will grieve this but cheer on my partners as they kick butt and take name. I have had 8 weeks of a set back but next year San Antonio, I will see you!

CONFESSION

According to the countdown I have 63 days until my second half marathon. I am doing this one to "fix" the mistakes that I made with the first one. From training to Race day. And yet somehow I am managing to fail miserably. While I haven't posted every run that I have done I have missed more runs than I have made. I have found my bed much more appealing than lacing up my sneakers. I have found the weight of family dynamics, a dying and now dead uncle, PTSD and depression to be too much. Add to that two bad knees that have been less and less stable with no helpful intervention, allergies that have turned into wicked cases of sinus infections and bronchitis and a new shift at work that was supposed to be helpful but makes early morning wake up calls even more difficult. Frankly if I hadn't already paid for the run I would just back out altogether. But i have paid and I can't quit but where does that leave me now?

Now when I say i haven't been training like I should I don't just mean the runs. The weight of life has me coping poorly with diet and cross training as well. I feel like a failure and the longer it takes me to get back the harder it is. So my answer this past week was to go back to eating disorder behaviors to get my weight in a little better place before trying to start up again. I feel the weight. I feel the weakness. I don't like either and I absolutely hate myself for letting this happen. How could I? I have worked so hard and come so far. Maybe its true, maybe I'll always be the fat kid and nothing I do it going to change that. But i don't want that to be true.

There is always tomorrow. And there have been plenty of tomorrows since i saw myself slipping down this hill. But i couldn't seem to get a grasp on it before the rope was gone. I wasn't just at the end of it, it completely slipped through my hands. And blog or not, I don't have the answer. I know that letting people in takes away the power and gives accountability. With fitness and with life. SO here is my confession. With no answers and very little hope but this is a huge part of this journey to 13.1 miles, like it or not.

Tan lines and long days

Long runs and soccer games

Day ELEVEN. 106 days to go.

Day TEN. 108 days to go.

5/3 run with a little extra run here and there.

Today was amazing. A cool breeze and ten degrees cooler than our runs have been so far. I know that the heat and humidity is not gone but it was a nice break. Today was also the first day that all 5 of us have made it out to the same run. Busy ladies with busy schedules making the commitment and sacrifice to do what it takes to achieve goals that we have set. All to run the Rock N Roll San Antonio Half Marathon but all with different goals as well. It was nice to feel like I had a good strong run today and to see the difference in my times. I am not naive to not realize I still have a long way to go to be ready for this run but I will take this one win for today.

And one of the little extra pushes came from this little guy. I refrained from cursing but cautiously moved to the other side of the road and then took off running!

Day NINE. Listening to my body.

I got this notification on my phone while i was at work. A little encouragement from run keeper to keep me motivated and on track with my goal. Made me smile at 9 pm. Had me feeling conflicted at 7 am the next day. After a very rough night at work I had a decision to make. Do I push through, get my run on and do Camp Gladiator? This is after all, part of why i changed my schedule. But as i got off work I was exhausted. But this thing i signed up for and committed to do, it takes dedication and dedication means pushing through. I have done a lot of pushing through in my life and i can do it but today i decided to do something a little different. My body said "hey i need a break, I need some rest and a good sleep." I am working out 5-6 times a week these days and I need to if I am going to push through this plateau and be successful at running 13.1 miles in December. But sometimes something has to give. And i was feeling myself begin to fray. So i decided to listen to my body. I went home from work and decided that i would lay on the couch until time for CG. I would hold off on the run and if i was still awake at the time for CG I would do that and then run. But if i were asleep I would take that cue from my body. Needless to say, i was passed out. So there was no workout and no run today. And in this moment I do not feel guilty about it. Now a few minutes ago I did. And I am sure a few minutes later I will too but i have to resolve, especially as i age that although this fitness focus is good, it is also important to listen to my body and at times, take time to rest.

                                 

Day EIGHT. 113 days to go.

I think it is fair to say that I NEVER want to get up for a run. Something about staying up as late as I could last night to aid in transitioning to nights today, however, made it extra hard. Knowing I could come him and go back to sleep did not make it any easier or less early. But I made a commitment that every one knows about but more importantly to myself. I have plenty of excuses to get out of this. My knee is killing me and I tweaked my sciatic nerve yesterday. My body is telling me I am getting too old to do this to my body. Too much, too late. But I have paid for this race and made the commitment for myself more than anything. It pushes me beyond what I think I can do which is a life lesson in general as well.

 But i also did something else today that pushed everything in me. The spandex shorts I wear under my athletic shorts have seen better days and at this point have become a bit holy. Frankly, I would love to run out and buy another pair, but finding them in the length I want has proven a little difficult and spending money on that right now is not a priority. My running partner always runs in long tights and a shirt and i have a pair of those that I usually wear under shorts but today i got brave. I work the tight pants which hugged every ounce of my imperfect body to run in. I did my best to lay aside any concerns about what others would think if they saw me and I ran. Im still not convinced that it was not gross to look at but it was so nice to not have to retrieve my shorts which ride up my fat thighs the whole time I run. I am not saying this is a permanent change but I took a brave step or maybe leap, outside of my comfort zone.

This was, in no way one of our faster runs. We did 5/3 intervals and added a mile as we begin the process of working up to our 13.1 miles by way of long runs. One foot in front of the other, one run at a time. That is success. Not the pace but that I get up every day and push forward.

                                                   

Day SEVEN. 115 days to go.

Its run day again!!! And I am back with the gourd for this one with even more appreciation for them after the last run being solo. I woke up ready to run this morning and felt strong. I even thought about running a little extra for most of the run. Then i started hearing the complaints of my knees and back and realized that I was going to be okay with JUST 3 miles.

Never in my mind a year ago would I have imagined thinking a 3 mile run would be a short run. I may not be fast and can only compete with myself but man do i plan on kicking the butt of the Ivy that run her first half marathon in March.

Day SIX. 119 days to go.

Solo run today after working all night. I got my three miles done but it was most difficult to stick with my 5/3 intervals. I did it though. I was so tired but pushed through. I had to decide what I wanted most and in this time and place my health and this training is what I will give my time to. Even when I have been up all night, even when I have to do it alone. Just turn up the jams and watch for cars!!! Then grab a quick camp gladiator before heading home where I am about to crash and burn!

Day FIVE. 122 Days to go.

5/3 Intervals

I struggle with the desire to be honest here conflicting with the desire to encourage and keep a positive attitude. But then I think of the blogs i read in preparation for starting this process. I searched Pinterest and Google both for obese running tips. I found several blogs with tips. From people who were 10-30 pounds overweight. More power to you but I have a lot more than that to carry with me on my runs. So here is the truth . . . todays run sucked! Yes I did it and that is an accomplishment. I showed up, I did my 3 miles and done. But my body felt especially heavy today. I was stiff and felt ever pound of overweight that I am with every step I took. I found not once but twice on run intervals, i simply could not keep going and had to punk out before our 5 minutes was up. Let me be clear, running is not easy. Not for me, not for this body. Im not sure what gave out first, my knees or my determination but something gave. My time was slower, I was hurting and lacked some serious motivation. And hopefully I can put this behind me and move forward. Yes I got up and went and I finished what i set out to do. But i want to do more. I want success. This is not an easy task that I have set out to accomplish. It will be filled with good runs, and runs that i hate. But i will persevere and I will grow strong. I will keep moving forward thanks to my running buddies at my side. And I will be a true fat kid running, doing the unimaginable for the second time in ONE year!


I got up on my ONE day off this week, with a 4:30 AM alarm. I didn't have to but I did.

Day FOUR. 124 Days to go.

One would think that it would take longer than Day FOUR to hit a wall. To be so over it that even the most influential pep talk would fail. I did not run today. Tuesday mornings I don't get off work until 7 am and my little running group runs at 5:15 am. No problem I said. I will run on my own as soon as i get off Tuesday mornings. At least its a short run and my new schedule will allow me to consistently do long runs with my group. But i was tired. I knew if i got started it would be okay and I would wake up a little. But leaving work I couldn't even keep my eyes open to drive home. I drove to the place I planned to run and where I would do Camp Gladiator afterwards. And I sat there. My feet and my body were too heavy to move after being up for two days straight with just a 2 hour nap.

I DID NOT RUN>

I managed to stick it out for Camp Gladiator then went home and passed out. I was sleep deprived and did not get out later in the day because it was so hot. I failed the test of my will today. It makes me sad that it came so quickly in the process. I want to beat myself up and quit now. But I won't. I will do my best to put today behind me and start over again on Thursday. I will get up early on my day off to run with my group and I will move forward in training for Rock N Roll Half in San Antonio!

Day THREE. 126 days to go.

5/5 Intervals

Today was a real test. I missed out on the group run due to another engagement. A dear and sweet friend of mine is getting married and her bridal shower was more important to me than running. I know . . . gasp. Yes it takes some sincere dedication to train for a half marathon but I have some other priorities at time. I planned ahead though. I found someone not in our running group who had interest in a little run and scheduled ahead of time for today. I can go out for a run on my own well enough, but sticking to those intervals becomes quite difficult. Went out to the country for this run, it was a nice change of scenery. It was also different being the one who was pushing and watching the intervals, that is normally Misty's job. I have to be pushed because I am mentally weak. As we were running, i thought about this. I am far from "in shape" and i have nowhere near the body that you would see on a typical runner. And yes i run intervals. I couldn't run 3 miles straight if my life depended on it, but intervals come with there perks . . . i burn more fat that way- check out the research. But today i had someone ask to run with me. I gave a few tips here and there and encouraged through text the night before. Physically, i see changes, regardless of how slow but today i took a step back and saw something more. I have been told i inspire and frankly i can't see how this gross body running would be an inspiration but today i realized i was the one pushing and educating and leading the way for the small group of 2.

One of the first pieces of the puzzle . . . A ReFit Revolution.

Many years ago, the physical aspect of my fitness journey started with a group of young ladies who would later start their own fitness business called Refit. It started with one of those instructors, who saw me in the gym and remembered my name. I know that seems silly but in a world where I had been overlooked or only seen in a negative light it was a breath of fresh air. She then invited me to her classes at a local church which was a little less intimidating than the gym that I was trying to navigate with eyes closed and tail tucked. So despite it being in a church, I said yes and i showed up. I had met the other ladies in this group of instructors while attempting to stick it out at the gym and I made some quick judgements. Lets just leave it at those judgements were not very nice. As i began to attend their classes however, what I saw was that even though they looked like “the others” to me, their heart was to love on each person who walked through the door and they helped me see success even in the midst of the fat sweaty mess that I was. 

And when I say fat sweaty mess I mean it! We did Zumba and in a humorous attempt to deal with what i was experienced i referenced it being easier for me because once you got my fat moving it just didn't stop because there was so much of it. But I did it. And I kept coming back and kept moving. I wasn’t losing weight but I was taking steps towards health. I transitioned with these ladies from church gym to their own studio; I might have been their biggest fan. But it wasn’t the workout alone but the knowledge that they knew my name, they cared about who I was and that I was getting physical and social needs met in this place. I began to breathe a little bit easier and move with a little less pain. I knew that I would not be judged for having two left feet or missing the beat. Walking into the studio was a little slice of home every time. All shapes and sizes were in that place. I was accepted with what I had but pushed to do more. This was the first place where i felt like i fit and had the freedom to give my all, whatever that looked like. 

These ladies wanted me to succeed and they still cheer me on to this day. They are not my primary fitness source in this season but I still "go home" every once in a while because I miss it and it is fun!

Day TWO. 129 Days to go.

5/5 Intervals

This morning the alarm went of really early. Now as a day shift nurse (transitioning to night shift in just a few days), my alarm always goes off early in the morning. But this is a different early. The up before the birds, pitch black, ugly alarm before 5 am early. I was exhausted and sore and just didn't want to go. But i got up anyway. I ate a little pre-run fuel, got ready and  . . . crawled right back into bed. I just couldn't do it. Im not sure why, other than I didn't want to be a quitter but I got back up and drug my feet to the car to head to our meeting spot. I knew once I got going I would feel better but starting really does seem like the hardest part when your alarm goes off at 4:30 in the morning. But I made it there and started putting one foot in front of the other. Slowly, at first, then faster and faster. Before I knew it the first half of the run was done and I felt strong. At least more strong than tired! As we finished up, I felt a little twinge of disappointment as I saw our mile pace was slower than Day ONE. I allowed that to pass, because I had to. I then considered this is only Day TWO! We still have 129 days to go and when i first started this running process at the end of last year, my mile times had more of a range of 15-20 minutes!

A little side note . . . running is good for me, physically and emotionally but I know "You can't out run a bad diet!" So todays lunch is going to keep me on track. I am a fat kid running but I will do everything I can to make it an easier process!

Day ONE. 131 days to go.

Well I was so anxious about this run and worried I would fail miserably that i couldn't sleep last night. I took a sleeping pill at 9 pm and was still up at 1 am. Never mind that my first alarm was set for 4:30 am. I got up with every excuse not to go. I hadn't slept enough, Im just getting over a wicked stomach virus. Not to mention the old faithful excuses. I am too fat, I have bad knees. All very real and true, all in the way of getting out of the door but i put on my shoes and headband- with the very appropriate "Suck it up buttercup," and i drug my sleepy behind out of the house and to the meeting place for the first run. I got there to meet a new running partner and off we went. I had every ounce of fear that running for 5 minutes straight would be impossible. But if i got out there and only walked a mile, that would be a good place to start. With my running partners at my side, however I did it. I feel strong and happy with a good first run. I may be slower than most runners but for me its not a bad place to start. Im aware that not every run will be a good one but today was and I will take it! Day ONE for this round is done, and I don't have to do it again!

5/5 Intervals

                                                 

                                           

                                               Post Run picture. We are all sweaty and its still dark but we are still standing
                                              and even smiling.

Being BOLD. Another piece of the puzzle.

In this journey of fitness and health that I am on, I stumbled across Camp Gladiator thanks (i think!) to a co-worker. I had gone to Camp Gladiator one time a few years ago and had such a horrible time that I never went back. Nor would I consider it when my co-worker kept harassing me about it. Now in that time that passed, I had changed. I found a motivation for change and health. But the trainer there changed too. I am so thankful for that. Camp Gladiator is good for me. I feel stronger and healthier. I have built in accountability and the awesome campers around me push me beyond anything i would ever do on my own. I feared partners when I started, knowing I would never be able to keep up with anyone the trainer would pair me with. I would feel bad for holding them back. But that is not what happened at all. With the encouragement of the trainer, I dug deeper and did more than I ever imagined I could. Camp Gladiator is so good for me and a key piece in this journey that I am on. I am physically growing stronger, mentally growing tougher and socially growing more interactive.

All of this would have never happened were it not for my trainer. She is exactly the person that I walked up on and vomited a little in my mouth. She was this teeny tiny thing that was all muscle and scared the shit out of me all while I knew i would hate her from the get go. How could she train someone so fat when she had a perfect body and could never understand the struggle? And yet, by the end of that first work out I was hooked. From Day ONE, i felt like she was invested in me. She wanted me to succeed and even though I was just another camper, she made me feel like I mattered. Very quickly i found myself pushing harder when I wanted to be done because I wanted to work out and push hard for Jenny. She helped me stay injury free as I learned new things and she was faithful to give me high fives and tell me I was doing a good job. And she still does. Miss I don't stick with anything or anyone had been doing Camp Gladiator for 6 months. While this does require some commitment on my part, I know it would not be possible without her support. When I'm out and discouraged, I know a text is coming asking where I have been. When I'm there and have nothing left, I know she is my biggest cheerleader. Jenny has been like no trainer I have ever experienced and for that I am thankful. I am easily intimidated and like to run away but thankfully I landed in the perfect camp with the perfect trainer for me.

Camp Gladiator is a big piece of my current climb to health and I am thankful for that. I am also so thankful for the tiny little stick of dynamite that Jenny is and how she pushes and encourages me, probably more than she knows. Find that person for you, be that person for someone else and be strong! Be a beast mode for yourself! You can do more than you can even imagine!