Half Training . . . Take Two . .

 It was almost exactly 4 months prior to todays facebook post that I was pushing through what felt like the worst torture and hell one could willingly go through on this earth. I swore that finish or not I would NEVER do this again. I was too fat to be doing things like this. I was slowing down my partner and therefore letting her down. And I would never recover from the physical pain it took to just put one foot in front of the other.  I would cross the finish line but felt defeated not victorious by the task at hand. The walk back to the hotel was miserable and I felt miserable. But today my running partner posted this picture with the question . . . who was up for it?

And of course, I said sign me up. Wait what? I swore I would never put myself through this again. Even with the weight I had lost, I was too fat to do that to my knees who had already had a life time of trouble. And when I hit that difficult mile, between mile 8 and 13, my mind wasn’t strong enough to push through. But the day after I realized I needed to take training more seriously NEXT time and that I would work on the difficult parts NEXT time. So here I am, four months later saying IM IN, for my second half marathon and the training that it involves. You see half marathons are really only about 1/3 of the race itself and that is being generous. But more than anything, it is the early mornings that you get up when you want to sleep in. Its pounding that pavement 3 times a week in addition to strength training. Its putting the disappointments of last one behind you and only holding on to the motivation and determination to improve. Yet as I look at the schedule and prepare for the first run in just a few days . . .

. . . I am filled with anxiety. I remember the pain. I remember the vomiting as I pushed beyond what I had ever done. Mostly I remember thinking I was holding my partner back. Yes I have done this before but is there need to do it again? I am significantly overweight (for those who prefer euphemisms) and will never be one of those people that I saw running past me that day.

But then I think of two people that were in the group of runners I consistently stayed with. One and older man that I really didn’t notice until at about mile 9 or 10, he tripped. Just a little error with footing and he was down on the ground. Elbow and knees cut open and bleeding. With runners gathered around him, he got back up and continued to put one foot in front of the other, blood dripping from his war wounds. Another was a young guy, an apparent military veteran. He was ripped, muscles everywhere but especially on his calf. That’s right just one calf. He had one leg amputated and by mile 8 his prosthesis was wearing into the remaining portion of his leg requiring regular stops on the route for relief and readjustments. So yes, the older man, the guy with one leg amputated and the aging girl with two bad knees who is too fat, all have reasons to not attempt one, let alone two half marathons. But I have to ask myself, what is the reason that I have to do this?

My reason is for me. For so long I wasn’t worth doing anything for myself. I was so afraid of failure that I wouldn’t try anything. And success wasn’t defined by what I did but how I compared with others. Clearly I am in no line for “winning the race.” But if my competition is with myself, with the task that should be impossible for someone like me, with saying yes each day I am supposed to run and putting in the work, and with maybe even improving on my run from the day before and the race before then that is the place of victory.

Am I still scared? Of course I am. But I will do it afraid and do it anyway. I will likely fall behind and slip up but I will keep my eyes on the goal and that is to finish.